Tips for speakers at gallery openings

1. Never use the word housekeeping in your speech. There are other, better ways of telling people where the loos are or what they can do with their wine.
2. Coordinate speeches. Three different overviews of the show is fine. Having them even remotely consistent is better.
3. Coordinate speakers. Don't have three overviews of the show.
4. Never make a joke about how long you've been talking. This is the only thing people will remember.
5. Rehearse. Then rehearse again. Getting the name of the exhibition correct shouldn't be too much to ask.
6. List all the messages you want to get across, then eleminate all but the top three.
7. If it's your first speech at an institution, show that you have a vision for that institution. This is the only chance you'll get.
8. Thank your staff - they're not doing this for the money - and your sponsors, who are.
9. Be brief. Over half your guests are really only there for the wine.
10. Think takeaways. Your audience will take away one thing from your 4 minutes of fame - if you're lucky. Be brave and make that one thing matter.
11. Make love to the mike. It's just like Karaoke...

Credit where credit is due?

Art world breakfast spot Floriditas has unveiled their new staff uniform - a t-shirt bearing the inscription, in elaborate flowing script, "We only serve what you deserve," followed by the inevitable fine-print "(c) tomkreisler.com"

Would you buy a used car from this man?

"The 16th Biennale of Sydney will include historical and contemporary works of art and explore the notion of 'revolutions' through artworks, texts, an evolving online venue, conversations and other events. The concept plays out our desire for change, emotional experience, pleasure and freedom in our ever more uniform and standardised universe. It will explore rotating, turning upside down, shifting points of view, revolving, mirroring and reversing as literal and formal devices, as well as chartingtheir broader aesthetic, psychological, psychoanalytic, radical and political perspectives."

Words: Benefactor pack for the 08 Biennale of Sydney

Pic: Jimmie Durham, Maquette for work in 04 Biennale of Sydney (in lieu of finding a decent image of someone shooting themselves in the foot.)

20 Questions

Should I be at all concerned that Wellington is being left behind Auckland in the arts race (as evidenced by both Herald and SST features in the last fortnight) when the only place I've found the Michael Parekowhai book available for sale in Wellington is at a cosmetics store?

How refreshing is it, in this day of rampant charity art auctions, that a fundraising auction for a major art museum featured only one work of art, and even then it was a late entry that didn't make the catalogue?

How long will it take for the Dominion to sync its 'Diabolical' Sudoku with Saturdays again, so I can do one in its natural context, and not on a ripped out square of old news?

Fame and wealth

Nothing perpetuates the art as investment hopes of the masses like, well, art as investment.

Hugh Grant has flogged the Andy Warhol portrait of Liz Taylor he bought in 2001 for $3.6m for $21m. That's 97% p.a. return.

Closer to home, a McCahon bought for $250 from Peter McLeavey in 1979 sold yesterday for a little over 500% p.a. return.

Walking back to happiness

Wellington has the annual Big Look See, which I think missed the mark a bit (or at least appealed to a demographic other than mine).

Auckland has had its Walk of Art for some time now - evidenced here, in hotel/motel pamphlet racks and in occasional small ads in the entertainment section of the Herald over the last few years.

Portland Oregon has an annual trawl of its art galleries as part of the quite good Portland Art Focus programme/marketing cartel.

But this Saturday, if you happen to be sifting around New York, head over to the Bond No. 9 New York Boutique, and jump on board the Passport to the Arts tour. Not only do you get a handy excuse/motivation to visit all those galleries you never manage to get to on the few hours they're open on Saturdays (which seems to be becoming more popular in Wellington than the Moore Wilson's cold meats section), but you get your very own passport full of tiny little artist editions in the forms of stamps. How's that for incentive?

Breathing...

Pregnancy stresses new dads
Herald Sun Australia November 05, 2007

FIRST-time expectant fathers are almost four times more stressed than other men. While many new mums struggle emotionally after their baby is born, dads-to-be are more likely to feel anxious during their partner's pregnancy. The prospect of fatherhood and the changes it may bring causes much more concern to blokes than the real thing, according to a new Australian study. It says men worry about having to become more responsible financially and being unprepared for the practicalities of caring for an infant. The study, recently published in the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, found 18.6 per cent of dads showed high levels of psychological distress.

A bullet pointed list of magazines that I or members of my household have accumulated at one point or another (in no particular order):

• National Geographic (1960s and 1970s)
• Popular Mechanics
• National Geographic
• Time
• Paris Match
• Surfer
• Surfing
• Thrasher
• Transworld Skateboarding
• Wallpaper
• Sky (UK club culture unrelated to the TV netowrk)
• NME
• Elle Decoration (UK edition)
• Stuff
• Home and Building/Home and Entertaining/Home
• Urbis
• Staple
• Art New Zealand
• Art News
• Art + Object
• Cuisine
• Sea Spray
• National Business Review
• Ray Gun
• Spoke
• Mountain Bike
• The Face
• Love and Rockets
• Gen 13x
• Commando
• 2000AD
• Living Etc
• Pavement
• Heavy Metal
• Solider of Fortune
• Auto Trader
• Car
• Pulp
• Life (1950s and 60s)
• Planet
• Art and Australia
• Mad
• Colours
• Beach Culture
• Loaded
• Probably something to do with military planes of the early 80s
• Cosmopolitan
• Manual
• Scope
• iDN
• Vice
• Architecture New Zealand
• Object
• Choice (pending)